Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
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It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Police Chief: this whole place is a cesspool of drugs, booze and sex . I wanna know why damn it
Me: *remembering that i’d built this city on Rock&Roll* it’s a mystery alright
Everyone wants their kid to learn to walk until exactly 30 seconds after their kid learns to walk.
A Girl on Twitter, finally gave birth,Now she’s been tweeting her baby pics every 20min & Makes me feel I am raising her child with my Data
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.