“Yes, I’m still single and underemployed, but at least I’m not MARRYING CHARLES MANSON” –women at family holiday gatherings from now on
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
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Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
I’m a man who hates rocks *smashes a rock with a sledgehammer* oh great I just made like a thousand more rocks
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
It’s all fun and games until you accidently grab the hand sanitizer instead of the lube.
Letting Russia host the Winter Olympics feels a little bit like letting Voldemort host the Quidditch Cup.
Wife: Liam’s hamster died. We need to replace him before he gets back from kindergarten
Me: *gestures at kid* well?!
Wife: i meant the hamster