More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
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Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Every time my phone rings
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.