@fro_vo

More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america

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@theresa_lauren

“Yes, I’m still single and underemployed, but at least I’m not MARRYING CHARLES MANSON” –women at family holiday gatherings from now on

@MakesYouGiggle

Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.

@Los01001111

*Smashes the Sony

*Destroys the Panasonic

*Pummels the Kenwood

*Rips apart the Pioneer

~breaking all stereotypes

@FilthyMacrame

I’m a man who hates rocks *smashes a rock with a sledgehammer* oh great I just made like a thousand more rocks

@Playing_Dad

[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.

@FuttyNudgekins

When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?

@natalayhehoo

It’s all fun and games until you accidently grab the hand sanitizer instead of the lube.

@sammyrhodes

Letting Russia host the Winter Olympics feels a little bit like letting Voldemort host the Quidditch Cup.

@sonictyrant

Wife: Liam’s hamster died. We need to replace him before he gets back from kindergarten

[Later]

Me: *gestures at kid* well?!

Wife: i meant the hamster