“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
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I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
My boss called in sick of me
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz