I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
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Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
This is me
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now