[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
*an ad plays*
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
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Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
4 is currently using scissors to whittle down a pencil.
This will be a valuable skill if she ever goes to prison and needs to make a shank.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
There were going to be guns but this was funnier
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy