@Dutch_50

“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???

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@OtherDanOBrien

[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*

@AKcrazy18

Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.

@fishbowel

Interviewer: what did you bring to the table

Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-

Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk

Me: u mean my toad

@ThugRaccoons

Me: Sound the drums of war!!

My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*

*we enter the buffet*

@jdforshort

4 is currently using scissors to whittle down a pencil.

This will be a valuable skill if she ever goes to prison and needs to make a shank.

@INDlAN_

Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]

@natalietran

*gets on knees and prays*

Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International

@GrantTanaka

the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy