@AlanFelyk

More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.

Pick one and get out of my face.

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@msdanifernandez

*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh

@MoneypennyNaked

[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]

Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.

@Dani_Feld

My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.

@OtherDanOBrien

[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]

@PajamaStew

My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”

I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”

@Mom_Overboard

*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*

OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!

@ColIegeStudent

using microsoft word

*moves an image 1 mm to the left*

all text and images shift. 4 new pages appear. in the distance, sirens.

@SparkNotes

Ladies, if he’s

– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber door

He’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.