date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
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It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
Me, reading some of your tweets
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.