@Rollinintheseat

Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”

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@PJTLynch

Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time

@OrdinaryAlso

The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.

@3sunzzz

*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*

@WhaJoTalkinBout

Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.

@spaceboyriley

Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight

Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-

Date: aww

Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*

@AIMMadellynne

Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.

@doggiedogthedog

Alexa play Metallica…

Alexa play Metallica…

Alexa play Metallica…

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music

Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…

@wendchymes

Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio

@Heaterhotusus

“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”

-my dog, when I wax

@mostlysharks

doctor: you need a knee replacement

me: great i would like slinkies