Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
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I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn