[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
You Might Also Like
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.