[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
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Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Pigeon open mic night.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend