Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes

me: what’s in them?

Senator Clinton, what will you do now?

Hillary: Divorce Bill.

There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”

Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.

Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?

Me: on the wall!

Hitman: that’s a spider

Me: kill it!

My dad: you know how you Love Christmas

12 yo me: yes

My dad: How would you feel about two of them

Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home

Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …

I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.

I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”

What a weirdo.

I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.

If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.

[ first day as surgeon ]

me: and now we let the anesthesia set in

patient: do i get some too

Sorry I couldn’t come. I was on the way, but then I realised I’d forgotten my earphones, so I had to go back home and put my Chritsmas tree up.

Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.

hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶‍♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.

i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb

This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.

Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.

Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.

If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.

Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before

We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain

{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar

Dear Abby,

I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.

Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake

[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these

Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.

Neighbor: Nice. I got-

Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.

Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.

Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.

When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.

Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.

Me: [left 3 hours ago]