<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
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Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
couldn’t resist
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Breaking news:
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?