Mormon cats have 9 wives.
You Might Also Like
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Bros before Ohioes
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.