[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
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“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*