@EndhooS

“Morning guys”

“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”

– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses

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@WilliamRodgers

“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”

Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?

@Sickayduh

Scientists are dumb. A meteor didn’t kill the dinosaurs. I’ve been to the museum. It’s obvious they starved to death.

@Vodkantots

*walks into shrink’s office with a giant jar of marbles

I FOUND THEM!!

@FaisalAdam_

I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.

@theaditidebnath

idk why the judge was so mad i was snacking during jury duty when she’s the one who called for hors d’oeuvres in the court

@Shock_Monster

Anyone that says there are no stupid questions has never had to explain to a 5 year old why there are no pink bananas 267 times today.

@diaruba74

I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.

@KielyHealey

When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.