“Morning guys”


– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses

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“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”

Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?


Scientists are dumb. A meteor didn’t kill the dinosaurs. I’ve been to the museum. It’s obvious they starved to death.


*walks into shrink’s office with a giant jar of marbles



I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.


idk why the judge was so mad i was snacking during jury duty when she’s the one who called for hors d’oeuvres in the court


Anyone that says there are no stupid questions has never had to explain to a 5 year old why there are no pink bananas 267 times today.


I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.


When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.