One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
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[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
anyone else like Italian cereal
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Jesus Christ lmao
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
*seductively eats two tums*
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
I forgot how to panic. Help
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.