Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
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*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
The news
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.