@brennadine

Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.

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@viadear

Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.

@krishna_van

Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me

@Underchilde

More than eighty percent of the world records I hold are for making shit up.

@Reverend_Scott

Sometimes I ask myself, what would Aquaman do? So I sit in the bathtub and cry about how useless I am.

@kelkulus

Between IKEA and Burger King, I think it’s safe to say we’ve all eaten entire horses by now.

@Scott_A_Gilmore

Today’s lunch: Pan fried pork chops, cheesy hash brown casserole, peach cobbler, a quick defibrillation and two stents.

@IndecisiveJones

god: next up for 2020-

angel: crap, what now?

god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS

angel: i’ll get legal

@Discourt

Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.

@TheBenHoyle

I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.

@TrueTorontoGirl

My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.