Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.

You Might Also Like


Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.


Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me


More than eighty percent of the world records I hold are for making shit up.


Sometimes I ask myself, what would Aquaman do? So I sit in the bathtub and cry about how useless I am.


Between IKEA and Burger King, I think it’s safe to say we’ve all eaten entire horses by now.


Today’s lunch: Pan fried pork chops, cheesy hash brown casserole, peach cobbler, a quick defibrillation and two stents.


god: next up for 2020-

angel: crap, what now?

god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS

angel: i’ll get legal


Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.


I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.


My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.