My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
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Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
Customer: the cat you sold me mauled my other cat.
Me: you mean the african large?
Customer: i think it’s a lion.
Me: *points to aquarium* wanna exchange it?
Customer: isn’t that a crocodile?
Me: snapping canoe lizard
Customer: i’ll take it
I bet Fred Flintstone wishes he had a Fitbit.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Putting all my laundry out on the clothesline so it smells like my neighbour’s BBQ.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Mom hires magician for birthday party, Voldemort #badluckbrian
<—–Will never confess the actual number of house cats he’s forced outdoors when the owner wasn’t looking