@briangaar
How about a superhero whose power is TAKING CARE OF HIS KIDS *high-fives Maury audience while Batman storms off*
@AndyAsAdjective
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
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@briangaar
@cakezilla
Lmbo
@JackoSims14
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
@CelebrityChez
Just saw a fly on my flight and all I could think was what a lazy piece of shit.
@FredTaming
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
@SharkJelly
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
@E_lok44
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
@NintenDom
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
@UncleDuke1969
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.