@AndyAsAdjective

[morning]

her: did you dream about me?

me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?

her: umm no

me: then no

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@joeldanger

My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.

@LilBlueBlood

Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.

Because that child would not be OK today.

@SteveSuckington

Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?

Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us

@sonictyrant

[pet shop]

Customer: the cat you sold me mauled my other cat.

Me: you mean the african large?

Customer: i think it’s a lion.

Me: *points to aquarium* wanna exchange it?

Customer: isn’t that a crocodile?

Me: snapping canoe lizard

Customer: i’ll take it

@UnFitz

“How many fingers do I have up?”

– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny

@xLiserx

Putting all my laundry out on the clothesline so it smells like my neighbour’s BBQ.

@jake_lach

<—–Will never confess the actual number of house cats he’s forced outdoors when the owner wasn’t looking