First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
moron: “duhh, i hate taco bell, every time i go there i get diarrhea”
me: try getting tacos instead, genius
You Might Also Like
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
I grew up for this?
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich