Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
January has been Januweary
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805