@animaldrumss

moron: “duhh, i hate taco bell, every time i go there i get diarrhea”
me: try getting tacos instead, genius

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@pittdave13

First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?

@thedadvocate01

Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?

Me: Please, they’re starving.

@BoogTweets

Psychologist: what is the issue

Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.

Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*

@stephenjmolloy

Me: I got a job interview next week.

Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.

Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.

@david8hughes

How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.

@veggiefemme

My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)

@1Happytwit

Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.

@JPLFR80

That second sandwich was a mistake.

– me, making a third sandwich