Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
moron: “duhh, i hate taco bell, every time i go there i get diarrhea”
me: try getting tacos instead, genius
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The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Send prayers & good wishes for the guy who tried to pick my pocket on the luas, took out a tampon, got mortified & tried to put it back.
Me *has not belonged to or physically been in a gym for 12 months*: oh noooo I was just about to get in shape, what now?????
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*