MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
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After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”