@aka_fatman

Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.

Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.

Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.

You Might Also Like

@Ryanfc706

After months and months on my weight loss supplement, I finally lost $200.

@3sunzzz

If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.

@roxiqt

ME: I wish I could fix this problem

SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-

ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…

@imence2

I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….nnn…..I just love smell of campfires.

@UncleDuke1969

“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”

@mom_tho

4: Mom can I have a snack?

Me: Yeah hang on

4: Did you mean yes?

Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother

@Zwolf666

Stephen Hawking’s worn out two pair of shoes since the last time my co-worker said something intelligent.

@YRN_Jay15

Me: i have a headache

WebMD: and it’ll be your last

@3sunzzz

H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.

Me:

H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.

@StellaGMaddox

I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!