Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.

Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.

Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.

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After months and months on my weight loss supplement, I finally lost $200.


If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.


ME: I wish I could fix this problem


ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…


I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….nnn…..I just love smell of campfires.


“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“It smells like ketchup.”


4: Mom can I have a snack?

Me: Yeah hang on

4: Did you mean yes?

Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother


Stephen Hawking’s worn out two pair of shoes since the last time my co-worker said something intelligent.


Me: i have a headache

WebMD: and it’ll be your last


H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.


H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.


I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!