Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
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Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
🤣
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
If I ignore life will it go away?
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?