After months and months on my weight loss supplement, I finally lost $200.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
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If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….nnn…..I just love smell of campfires.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“It smells like ketchup.”
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Stephen Hawking’s worn out two pair of shoes since the last time my co-worker said something intelligent.
Me: i have a headache
WebMD: and it’ll be your last
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!