morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
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DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
shit, they caught us—run!!!
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
The future is now.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Awesome parenting 😂
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Something Saturday.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
*puts words between two asterisks*
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach