Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
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Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?