Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
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“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
This has made my week.