Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”

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Things I haven’t seen in a while:
1) the 2yo I’m babysitting today
2) a man
3) my waist-line
4) my imaginary goat, Bill
5) my sanity


I wasn’t mad. Then you asked me 12 times if I was mad. Well, now I’m mad.


Not to brag, but all 6 of my previous therapists are having successful careers in different fields now


me on ellen

ellen: so i heard you love the ocean

me: ya

(the studio starts flooding)

me: omg ellen you didn’t


Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.


Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.


I keep my fitbit in the original box same as I do my special edition Malibu Barbie.


Sorry I dropped your baby and tried to catch it with my foot.


“Live each day like it’s your last”

Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone


Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.