GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
ME: a blue one
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
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STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
When people say ‘oh, you’re still single?’
I like to reply with ‘wow, you’re still married?’
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Twitter is like Gilligan’s Island. We have the skills to fix the boat and leave.
Instead we stay & learn how use coconuts a 1000 ways.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Blood is thicker than water. Then again, so is oatmeal, and I would much rather be oatmeal brothers.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
“can we take the magic schoolbus”
no. today is reading day
“please ms frizz”
u’ve gone to space but u dont kno how to read
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.