@EndhooS

Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..

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@DaddyJew

No, YOUUU had a kid just so you could have someone to eat pizza and play video games with

@Home_Halfway

Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?

@Rollmaninoz

*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*

@Darlainky

My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.

@KalvinMacleod

PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting

@Reverend_Scott

[on date]

Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.

Her: I think I’ll have a steak.

A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]

@KenJennings

Once my son was shooting nerfguns @ the clock &when I asked why said “bc time killed the dinosaurs.” My kids are never leaving home are they

@topshelftyson

One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone

@obijawn

Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?