@EndhooS

Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..

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@Chumpstring

GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude

@MarkAgee

STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today

@AngelaEhh

When people say ‘oh, you’re still single?’

I like to reply with ‘wow, you’re still married?’

I’m popular.

@Emma_HumbleBea

When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.

@DvuslyMarvelous

Twitter is like Gilligan’s Island. We have the skills to fix the boat and leave.

Instead we stay & learn how use coconuts a 1000 ways.

@0point5twins

“Is that your dog?”

“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”

@SuperJuanderer

Blood is thicker than water. Then again, so is oatmeal, and I would much rather be oatmeal brothers.

@SteveSuckington

ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911

PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written

@jonnysun

“can we take the magic schoolbus”
no. today is reading day
“please”
sit down
“please ms frizz”
u’ve gone to space but u dont kno how to read

@iRowlf

Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.