Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
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6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.