mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
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Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Sooo many times…..
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed