mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
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A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.