mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
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Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.