“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
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Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
happy friday
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.