moses: 9 commandments, goddamn that’s a lot of rules


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“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”

CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan


[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]

me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day


Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.


6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.


Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.


Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.


Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.


*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.