@IndecisiveJones
@ArfMeasures
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
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@ArfMeasures
@markydoodoo
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
@mjkspeaks
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
@oakhillbargrill
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
@mompsychologist
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
@QwertyJones3
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
@seamusmckracken
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
@kimtopher22
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
@krisv_723
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
@WhaJoTalkinBout
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.