@IndecisiveJones

moses: 9 commandments, goddamn that’s a lot of rules

god: OH NO YOU DIDN’T

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@ArfMeasures

“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”

CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan

@markydoodoo

[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]

me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day

@mjkspeaks

Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.

@mompsychologist

6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.

@QwertyJones3

Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.

@seamusmckracken

Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.

@kimtopher22

Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.

@krisv_723

*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.