Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
You Might Also Like
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever