@TheToddWilliams

Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.

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@PhilJamesson

my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive

me: yeah i guess so

my enemy, ted: want to play a game

@WillSaysStuff

welcome back to guitar 101 everybody. what now, steve?

uh, hey. are you gonna make the ‘snapped my g-string’ joke?

no

*steve leaves*

@lias__

Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid

@slimmy_shady

Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”

@iGreenGod

This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.

I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.

@Canadian_Cutie_

My voicemail greeting:

Its 2016, please hang up and text me before the beep so I don’t get a notification.

@seamusmckracken

I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.

@briangaar

If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever

@StarWarsProblms

Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.

Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.

Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?