my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
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welcome back to guitar 101 everybody. what now, steve?
uh, hey. are you gonna make the ‘snapped my g-string’ joke?
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
My voicemail greeting:
Its 2016, please hang up and text me before the beep so I don’t get a notification.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?