Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
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Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one