@PeterClayton6

*Moses opens tablet*

You have TEN unread commandments.

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@SwanieChicken

Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?

It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.

@evidentlyblonde

When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.

@AZHORSEMOM77

I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout  was crying

@JiminyKicksIt

I like to dump Skittles in the toilet and then flush it ‘cuz it looks like a little tiny NASCAR race.

@curlymalloy

When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?

@jazmasta

I didn’t realise you spelled your name with a “ph”, Steve. My apologies, Pheven.

@kivtur

*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?

Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.

@LeonEarlgrey

Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.

@RocketRankoon

You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.

@GrantTanaka

please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s