*Moses opens tablet*

You have TEN unread commandments.

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Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?

It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.


When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.


I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout  was crying


I like to dump Skittles in the toilet and then flush it ‘cuz it looks like a little tiny NASCAR race.


When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?


I didn’t realise you spelled your name with a “ph”, Steve. My apologies, Pheven.


*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?

Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.


Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.


You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.


please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s