*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
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MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Me :
All Day At Night
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
(Jupiter –
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]