moses: *parts the red sea*

fish: ok wtf


fish’s boss: why were u late

fish: ur not gonna believe this

You Might Also Like


Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser


If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.

It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.


I just fell down the stairs holding a guitar and accidentally wrote a One Direction song.


I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president


My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa


Me: Hey lady, you can’t park there.

Her: I’m just running into Starbucks.

Me: Oh shit, my bad. Laws don’t apply to you then.


If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.


Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’


I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.