@harvardgraduat

moses: *parts the red sea*

fish: ok wtf

[later]

fish’s boss: why were u late

fish: ur not gonna believe this

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@SortaBad

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser

@martian_munk

If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.

It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.

@MrsMikePatton

I just fell down the stairs holding a guitar and accidentally wrote a One Direction song.

@youngscrap

I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president

@DanMentos

My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa

@TheMichaelRock

Me: Hey lady, you can’t park there.

Her: I’m just running into Starbucks.

Me: Oh shit, my bad. Laws don’t apply to you then.

@ObscureGent

If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.

@t0shiba

Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’

@gorrdano

I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.