Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
You Might Also Like
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT