@XplodingUnicorn

Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.

God: No problem.

Moses: But since you can make anything-

God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.

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@MrGeorgeWallace

Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.

@ShellHasDragons

No, Facebook camera, I just sat on the toilet, I don’t want to take a picture to commemorate the moment.

@michaeljhudson

“Mr. President, N. Korea is threatening to bomb your birthplace”

“Why, there’s nothing for them in Keny-”

“HAWAII, sir”

“Right, that’s wh

@Pork_Chop_Hair

I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.

@iwearaonesie

9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*

@GrantTanaka

Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit

@LifeUnPinterest

HIM: Why is this sticky?

ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth

@KeetPotato

me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”

@JamieGreenlees

A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!

@ieatanddrink

Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle