Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
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No, Facebook camera, I just sat on the toilet, I don’t want to take a picture to commemorate the moment.
“Mr. President, N. Korea is threatening to bomb your birthplace”
“Why, there’s nothing for them in Keny-”
“Right, that’s wh
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle