If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
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I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
White parent Vs Arab parents
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m hyper observant
Interviewer: You have mustard in your beard
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
That one guy who is always 3 steps behind in the convo…
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.