moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend

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If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info


I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up


[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.


Farmer: Netflix and till

Moonshiner: Netflix and still

Estate planner: Netflix and will

Dentist: Netflix and drill

Attorney: Netflix and bill

Mountaineer: Netflix and hill

Doctor: Netflix and ill

Pharmacist: Netflix and pill

Jack: Netflix and Jill


Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?

Me: I’m hyper observant

Interviewer: You have mustard in your beard

Me: Oh..


I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.


If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.


’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.