@frogpissmouth

moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend

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@Kappa_Kappa

One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.

@adamgreattweet

2020 would be infinitely better if KFC started selling mashed potatoes in buckets

@HelloCullen

Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it

@ObscureGent

News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.

Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!

@Poutymcgee

ECHO! ECHO! ECHO! Hahaha. Just kidding Tina! But in all seriousness that’s quite a serious infection you have here.

– Me as a Gynaecologist

@NewDadNotes

Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.

Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.

Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.

Aquaman: but-

Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.

@Douchekevin

At church they said the number of the beast is 666, but I stood up and said that’s not my wifes phone number at all.

She’s zero fun today

@Cyd10e

Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.

Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.

@LackOfShame

I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.

@aveuaskew

People fear what they don’t understand:

Change
Death
4th grade math word problems