moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
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My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Does it…does it take 3 days