moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend

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One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.


2020 would be infinitely better if KFC started selling mashed potatoes in buckets


Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it


News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.

Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!


ECHO! ECHO! ECHO! Hahaha. Just kidding Tina! But in all seriousness that’s quite a serious infection you have here.

– Me as a Gynaecologist


Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.

Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.

Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.

Aquaman: but-

Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.


At church they said the number of the beast is 666, but I stood up and said that’s not my wifes phone number at all.

She’s zero fun today


Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.

Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.


I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.


People fear what they don’t understand:

4th grade math word problems