If you surround your house in police tape, the odds of you being robbed drops dramatically.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
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[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
My favorite female superhero
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.