@robin_991

Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?

God: Frig sakes.

Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?

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@TheMichaelRock

If you surround your house in police tape, the odds of you being robbed drops dramatically.

@iwearaonesie

[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No

@joejwest

[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more

@iamWillemDafoe

oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight

@jokesuk

Woman: Does Viagra work?

Pharmacist: Yes

Woman: Can you get it over the counter?

Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!

@ReeseButCallMeV

I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.

@Beesthegame

“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”

-Sharks in Malaysia

@Tmoney68

“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.