Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
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I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did