Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
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Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be