There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
You Might Also Like
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.