Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
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there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?