@TheToddWilliams

[mosquitoes]

MORT: I think I’m a vampire

MARV: We all love blood, Mort

MORT: But I can’t see myself in this mirror

MARV: That’s a leaf

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@XplodingUnicorn

My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.

She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.

Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.

@hellohappy_time

[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline

@ficklenuts

Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.

Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.

Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.

@spaceboyriley

Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test

Detainee: I mean ok

Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest

@PinkCamoTO

CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.

@humanaaron

[amusement park]

me: *arms up, screaming*

cashier: but that is the price

@AbrasiveGhost

GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!

GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.

@mjkspeaks

Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.

@thepaulahunt

This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.