I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
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Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.