My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
MORT: I think I’m a vampire
MARV: We all love blood, Mort
MORT: But I can’t see myself in this mirror
MARV: That’s a leaf
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[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.