when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
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okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Expect the unexporcupine.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks