Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.

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Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?

Him: No

Me: So you’re a liar?



Him: Nice yoga pants

Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!


Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”


Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit


I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do


so after the Coronavirus blows over, will y’all continue to practice good hygiene and sanitation? … or will y’all go back to not washing your legs when you shower?


To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.


DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”


(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)

Kid: You’re not a Dr!

Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?

Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.