Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
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If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters