Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.

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[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]


[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together


Christmas Warning:

Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.


“You should only have to tell them once”

– People with no children


I send flowers “From Steve” to my neighbors wife every Friday night, then watch them fight from my living room window while eating popcorn


The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.


People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.


Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.


Now I ain’t saying she a gold digger, but she out in the field with a shovel & idk man she’s diggin for somethin. Oh burying a body? Ok then