@stanleybehrman

Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.

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@Robert_Beau

So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.

@MsCarlissima

“Holy shit. That butterfly’s gonna be HUGE.”

— First person to find a mummy

@OtherDanOBrien

*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*

@AristotlesNZ

Boss: “Thanks for making me my coffee. You know what’d go well with this?”
Me: “The antidote?”
Boss: “No, a nice..Wait, what?”
Me: “Nothing”

@ewfeez

I wanna work at a bank so I can get that employee discount on money

@dafloydsta

[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT

@ArrowsOfTheSun

Yeah the sun is hot, but have you ever stopped to think about its personality?