@stanleybehrman

Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.

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@Fred_Delicious

“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]

@michael_raphone

[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together

@Just__J0

Christmas Warning:

Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.

@Matt_The_1st

“You should only have to tell them once”

– People with no children

@F5X11

I send flowers “From Steve” to my neighbors wife every Friday night, then watch them fight from my living room window while eating popcorn

@liliths_lair

The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.

@curlycomedy

People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.

@Cheeseboy22

Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.

@spackary

Now I ain’t saying she a gold digger, but she out in the field with a shovel & idk man she’s diggin for somethin. Oh burying a body? Ok then