So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
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99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
“Holy shit. That butterfly’s gonna be HUGE.”
— First person to find a mummy
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Goes to bed*
Boss: “Thanks for making me my coffee. You know what’d go well with this?”
Me: “The antidote?”
Boss: “No, a nice..Wait, what?”
I wanna work at a bank so I can get that employee discount on money
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
Yeah the sun is hot, but have you ever stopped to think about its personality?