Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
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“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*