I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
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I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
new career option?
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
not for long
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth