Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
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*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.