Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
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aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
can’t bark with your mouth full
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.