@mishakey

Most computer problems can be fixed by removing the idiot from the keyboard.

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@NervousJr

There’s awkward, and then there’s listening to a man try to have a conversation with his hairdresser.

@_sweet_ham

My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.

@DaddyJew

Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken

Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen

Me:what is this CSI?

@TyEros

You need subtitles.

Me to every 2yr old.

@SortaBad

The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”

@IngestMyBabies

If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.

@dafloydsta

I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.

@MarfSalvador

[on my deathbed]

me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad

wife: dave isn’t old

me: what

@bartandsoul

You know who makes the best spaghetti? My mother!

My infamous last words to my wife

@Contwixt

“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”

–Cats