There’s awkward, and then there’s listening to a man try to have a conversation with his hairdresser.
Most computer problems can be fixed by removing the idiot from the keyboard.
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My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
You know who makes the best spaghetti? My mother!
My infamous last words to my wife
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”