Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
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if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
worst…sale…ever
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?