Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
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told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
Meanwhile in Portland…
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.